"Nessie's Neck Cover - Audio Transcript

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HOST:   Cryptid Critter Crawl presents,  Nessie’s Neck Cover

 

HOST     When word spread to the general public that Nessie, a.k.a. The “Loch Ness Monster” had been spotted in the rivers of Pittsburgh, their reaction was…

 

 (Sounds of crowds screaming. Cars crashing. Alarms going off).

 

HOST     Well… let’s just call it enthusiastic. Nevertheless, we at the museum were concerned to discover Nessie’s exquisite, custom-tailored, tartan neck cover, discarded here on museum grounds. Especially with Pittsburgh winters being much colder than any non-yinzer can tolerate.

 

IMANI    Actually, the neck cover has very little to do with keeping warm…

 

HOST    ...explains Youth Prodigy, Child Scientist, Imani Smarts.

 

IMANI    Underwater dwellers, like Nessie, have layers of thick blubber to retain heat in the deep deep depths of deep deep water features like Loch Ness. So, we have to ask, why a neck cover?

 

HOST    Why a neck cover indeed?

 

SNITCH-N-STITCH     Why a neck cover?

 

HOST     ...answers fabric specific forensic investigator, J. W. Snitch-N-Stitch.

 

SNITCH-N-STITCH     The answer, like all answers, resides within the fabric. Yes, the fabric spins a tale. A fabricated tale. A cross-stitched tale woven tightly of ribbons and bows…..

 

HOST     We have edited out approximately thirty-seven minutes of fabric puns. You’re welcome, listeners.

 

SNITCH-N-STITCH     ...just like all our mother’s mother’s soft fabric, fabric softener preferences. But yes, yes, yes, back to the fabric at hand.

 

You see, this neck cover is a one-of-a-kind, hand-crafted Scottish tartan. Woven intricately for the long neck of Nessie of Loch Ness. Specifically, to hide it.

 

Think of all those tourists from around the globe.  Standing at the shores of Loch Ness. Pointing! Always pointing. Pointing and gawking and gasping and giggling at the size of Nessie’s neck. Labeling her a “monster”? For what? A neck? A gorgeous neck at that.  Why cover it with a thick bulky tartan weave when you could accent it perfectly with a light shimmering gossamer tule? I’ll tell you why. Shame. Look to the fabric. The fabric tells all!

 

HOST    But why discard it? Why now?

 

SNITCH-N-STITCH     There is only one true reason to discard a fabric. Whether worn out, dingy, fraying at the seams, or irrelevant within the zeitgeist of current pop-culture... one only discards a fabric when they no longer need it.

 

HOST     So here we display the former neck cover of Nessie of Loch Ness, not as a reminder of the shame she once endured, but to celebrate the courage it must have taken to strip away what was placed upon her and to love herself as she truly is.

 

Hold your head high dear Nessie. You’ve earned it.

 

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