"Yateveo's Spice Rack" - Audio Transcript

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HOST   Cryptid Critter Crawl presents,  Yateveo’s Spice Rack

HOST     The Yateveo. A thick tree radiating long thorny tendrils that roll and swell like the arms of a hungry squid. This tree, they say, is a carnivorous tree. This tree, they say, consumes insects and small animals. This tree, they say, will feed on humans.

But what’s truly frightening, is that all the things “they say” about this tree, are untrue.

ROWAN     Oh my gosh, the Yateveo is… just amazing!

HOST    Three-time Amber Sap award-winning tree enthusiast, Rowan Undergrowth, had much to tell us about this fantastic cryptid.

ROWAN    When given the proper spices, the Yateveo will ingest them and expel a sap of nearly any sauce you could dream up. Holindaze. Honey mustard. Creme Frege.  Even lingonberry jam. —- watch your back Ikea.

HOST    And that’s not all.

ROWAN    The Yateveo has evolved to grow spice racks to entice people to leave spices. Sometimes its branches grow little shopping lists of the spices necessary for seasonally appropriate sap excretions. Pumpkin spice latte? That’s all Yateveo.

As the Yateveo matures, so does its tastes. Eventually, it will shed its spice rack to grow a more palatable one.  What you have at the museum is the spice rack of a baby Yateveo. Small. Mostly has space for a few sweet standards… vanilla, sprinkles, creme of tartar.

HOST   So where did such malicious untruths about such a friendly tree come from?

ROWAN     Some say wealthy robber barons created these rumors to have a monopoly on the Yateveo’s sauces. Others say robber barons created these rumors to have a monopoly on the Yateveo’s spice racks. And others say they don’t know what a robber baron is and they wonder why I’ve stopped them on the street in the first place.

HOST    Another possible explanation is a miss-quote from an adventurer’s diary entry describing a southeastern Yateveo tree, as heard in this dramatic reading.

TRAVELER    “I watched in awe as the massive tree devoured all cumin before my eyes. A great fear overtook me, followed by an even greater hunger, as curry poured from its branches.”

HOST    Cumin, the aforementioned spice, is a key ingredient in curry sauces. And it does resemble the word, human, very closely. Human. Cumin. You hear it, right?

We may never know how the Yateveo prejudice actually came to be, but, quite possibly, the true culprit here, is our fear.

ROWAN    Why fear a tree? Why fear anything you don’t know anything about? Instead of being afraid,  take a little time to learn. Use that new-fangled worldwide interwebs. Maybe smile at a tree or two. There’s no room for prejudice in tree life, or in non-tree life, whatever that is.

HOST     Boy though, I could really go for some curry right about now.  Seriously. When is lunch?